I don't look poorly - it makes me feel like a fraud.

Despite having chronic myeloid leukaemia I am living a pretty normal life, not much has changed from when I look back at how things were pre-diagnosis. I am fortunate to be able to still work full time, be the best mummy I can be to my daughter, and to travel and socialise. So on the surface nothing really looks different, yet within my own mind and body lots has changed. Having a serious illness that can’t be seen with your eyes is a battle in itself, especially mentally.

For example, with my treatment I have been fortunate to keep my hair. I generally look quite well, and act like my usual self. Yet there is a huge discrepancy in what I look like and what I feel. What people don’t see is things like the bone pain, the fatigue, the aches and the nausea. I do my upmost to keep going, not to cancel, to continuously show up as I’m adamant having CML won’t stop me. But in reality when you have cancer, you need to listen to your body and for me that’s been one big learning curve.

Going through the emotional, physical and mental journey of fighting a blood cancer but looking like “the same old Kate” is a tough road to navigate. I want to remain the bubbly person I was but at times the fatigue and aches take over and it’s hard to adjust to and juggle.

Like, yes I have this horrible disease, but to the naked eye you wouldn’t have a clue. Walking past someone down the road, they would never look at me and think “she’s a cancer patient”. Before my diagnosis I was the same, I knew very little about blood cancer – I’d never even heard of CML! - and I thought I had a clear idea of what a “typical cancer patient” would look like. After being thrown into the cancer world so suddenly, my eyes were opened and I realised that there’s no such thing.

It also became apparent to me very quickly how common this lack of awareness is, and how little knowledge most people have about blood cancer. I was hit with comments such as “that’s a children’s cancer”, “you’ve still got your hair”, “I didn’t know there were various kinds of blood cancer”, “what actually is blood cancer”, and “I didn’t realise leukaemia was a form of blood cancer”. These were all very hard comments to process and talk through, but at least it shines a light on what people don’t know and highlights how we must increase awareness of blood cancer. There needs to be more education about the disease, and it needs to be shared far and wide. Doing so might even save more people’s lives.

I had multiple signs of blood cancer leading up to my diagnosis, but I didn’t know what it could all mean. I experienced weight loss, infection after infection, loss of appetite, fatigue and bruising; but I put everything down to having a busy job, a busy family life and generally doing too much. Then at the age of 30 I noticed a really large bruise on my thigh, initially I thought I’d hit my leg getting in or out the car, or maybe I’d caught it on something whilst hoovering. When it didn’t get any better I went to hospital to have it checked out, and at first glance the doctors thought it was an abscess or that I’d got another infection. Bloods were taken and this is where it all began.

Those blood tests led to more blood tests, and then even more, and a few hours later I got the news that I’m suffering with CML. That was a conversation I’ll never forget. I was alone due to the Covid restrictions and I’d entered the hospital thinking maybe the bruise will need draining, or maybe I’ll be given antibiotics, and then I’ll be out of here within an hour or two, back home to my bed. These thoughts were very quickly squashed and I was hit with a complete curve ball that was a cancer diagnosis. I never expected to be 30, feeling and looking my normal self with just a big bruise I wanted checking, and then boom…

I strongly believe greater awareness is needed on blood cancer, and it’s something I am determined to help with. People’s perceptions, associations and general knowledge about blood cancer seem so small, especially compared to the noise and attention made around breast cancer, prostate cancer and lung cancer to name a few. Blood cancer is often a hidden cancer, and for this reason we need to speak up.